~

I still have bad posture. Blame it on the suffering self-esteem in my teens. I walk better now, but every now and then, like that Friday afternoon when I received the dreaded news, I found my shoulders drooping on my way to the men's room; my body language screaming: I'm just not good enough.

In the next 24 hours, the following questions and statements arised in random order. Many irrelevan t, some ridiculous, but a few enlightening. I'm writing them down so I can read it out loud with the hope of laughing at my inner demon working overtime:

It doesn't help that you're gay AND Asian.

Oh, and you don't look like this.

Porn moans louder than art.

You're out of tune with your community. Your work does not speak to them, and frankly, they could give a fuck. The last thing we need are gay films with Mike Leigh sensibilities. How bloody depressing.

What's this crap about respecting your characters? Empathy is overrated. Exploit them. And yes, they have to take off their clothes when they dance. Or even when they're reading a book. Because really, the gay audience will eat that shit up.

Before I forget, keep your characters under the age of 25. Refer to these magazine covers for visual references.

Have you thought about going to the bars more regularly? Like say, every other night? Your vocab needs a tune-up.

Speaking of, your gaydar must be replaced.

Please work more on your snappy one-liners. For inspirations, watch this religiously. Also recommended.

Why are you always trying to be profound? What's this obsession with poignancy?

You have to work on meeting more gay friends. Having too many heteros in your life is just a disguise for your self-hatred.

It's hard to stand straight when you have integrity.

~

But...

for the lack of a better and more constructive explanation, I can't quite bring myself to shut down "Ciao." There's something about the material that's still hanging onto me, refusing to let go. I will find out what that something is eventually, but calling it quits is just an irrationally emotion al reaction. It's one of those scripts I suppose: okay on paper but better on screen?

~

I remember the months after I came out in college, when I became very jaded very quickly. There were disillusions with the gay scene; how people treated each other, how quickly the vibrant nightlife became as monotonous as a bad techno beat. And I snapped out of it soon enough. I stopped going out, I stopped partying. Then I moved to Dallas, and I had to go through it all over again just to meet people. The inferiority of being an outcast amongst other outcasts didn't change however, I had such problems relating and being related to. I thought that when people didn't ask you questions about yourself, it's because you were a boring ass, not because they were insecure. But filmmaking came into the picture, and suddenly, t here were possibilities. With life, with my voice. Slowly but surely, I found my niche: my friends and family. And I realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who are totally fine with me being me.

Naturally, when I go through this cycle of "we-don't-want-to-make-yo ur-kind-of-gay-films,"&nb sp;I'm reminded of those early days when I felt completely overlooked and misunderstood. All these years later, I'm fighting the same battle again, only in a different arena.

~

My name is Yen Tan. I'm a filmmaker in Dallas, Texas. I'm Chinese. I speak fluent Mandarin and broken Cantonese. I seek to make films about everyday people living their everyday lives. Most of them are homosexuals. I don't consciously set out to do so, but I believe it's my subconscious attempt to push forward a representation of the gay everyman in contemporary cinema. We're not just hustlers, druggies, gym bunnies, drag queens, sex fiends or asexual comic reliefs. We're also the plumber. The postman. The accountant. The teacher. The unemployed. The retiree. We are human above our sexuality. We eat. We shit. We fuck. We pay our bills. We seek love. Sometimes we find it, other times we don't. Most of us are not cute. Or dress well. Or drive fancy cars and have mucho disposable income. It's only in our most unfabulous moments, that truth and beauty exist.