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| Going through the motions |
| 05.26.04 (12:32 pm) [edit] |
The tedious and pricey process of submitting [url=http://www.deadroommovie.com]"DEADROOM"[/url] to the festivals has officially begun.
David made a remark in an e-mail yesterday morning that stirred my emotions. At such an early stage, I sensed his spirit may be dampening, and God knows how quickly I pick up on that when I'm often guilty of feeling the same. He was coming from the "pleasantly surprised rather than painfully rejected" school. I graduated from there with flying colors, so I understood his train of thought. It's the same point I find myself most comfortable in, somewhere between obnoxious optimistism and pathetic pessimism.
Nevertheless, the cheerleading part of me wants to put a more positive spin on our perspective. If nothing else, [url=http://yentan.moonfruit.com]"Happy Birthday"[/url] has taught me not to underestimate the destructiveness of self-doubt and to value the importance of having even the slightest amount of faith. Or more accurately, serene confidence: a sense that I did my best, that whatever happens after is really not within my control. On top of that, I really feel like something will happen to "DEADROOM." Not in a Blair-Witch proportion, but enough to second-guess our initial expectations.
I may have subconsciously taken on the role of a parent to the fellas. I kinda dread that because that's when I could get annoyingly preachy and self-righteous. At the same time, I feel the responsibility to help them avoid my mistakes. I remember attenting the festivals, going to the filmmakers brunches, and unable to talk about myself or my work because I was so unsure of everything.
[i]"Deep inside, I know my film sucks. They shot on 35! They construct perfect sentences. They're so cute they're ready for their close-ups on Vanity Fair. My actors didn't do a good job beccause I'm a bad director. This line is horrible, and I wrote it! Why did they let me win? I don't deserve it. Why am I stuttering? I'm a nervous wreck. Fuck. My cool factor is less than zero now."[/i]
And on and on...
I also remember where my head was back then: I chose a pleasant surprise over a painful rejection, which it retrospect, may have made me queasy to introduce myself to a producer or even recommend a viewer to attend my screening. My middle ground prevented me from taking chances. I wanted to be safe, to not be rejected but to be surprised. And now, I wonder if I'm repeating my pattern.
There's no answer to any of this anxiety, I suppose. And like I responded to David after, we all have our ways of coping to maintain our creative sanity. James concluded by reaffirming the belief that we made a good film. I totally agree, but I still can't help but feel that much of my agreement is still be determined by the approval of others.
For now, we'll just have to wait and see.
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| Festival de Cannes |
| 05.21.04 (11:09 am) [edit] |
I don't think I've ever followed any of the previous ones so closely before, but I'm glued to this year's coverage like flies to fresh turd.
So the "2046" print-delay [url=http://www.nytimes.com/2004/0...]hoopla[/url], in retrospect, was an unintentional but brilliant publicity stunt. There's no better way to turn "highly-anticipated" into such edge-of-the-seat ambiguity, leaving everyone wondering if they'll ever get to see another potential masterpiece. It doesn't help that Mr. Wong teases you with little clips like [url=http://www.festival-cannes.fr...]this[/url], testing your patience as to how much longer you're willing to wait for the rest of it.
I must say, watching the [url=http://www.festival-cannes.fr...]red carpet arrival[/url] brought tears to my eyes. It's a tremendous accomplishment for an Asian filmmaker to achieve such artistic integrity, where the biggest festival in the world is willing to accomodate your film's availability by inconveniently readjusting their schedule.
Less prolific, but equally intriguing, Maggie Cheung (who was unfortunately edited out from "2046") is in a new [url=http://www.festival-cannes.fr...]film[/url] by her ex-hubbie Olivier Assayas. This [url=http://www.festival-cannes.fr...]scene[/url], played to Brian Eno's "Ending (Ascent)" (also effectively used in "28 Days Later"), is hauntingly captivating.
Obviously, my excitement for [url=http://www.deadroommovie.com]"DEADROOM"[/url] has heightened intensely. I can barely wait for our festival screenings. Hearing people purchasing tickets for your film, watching them filling up the seats in the theater, experiencing your film all over again with an actual audience, speaking to them afterwards...they're just events I cannot accurately describe in words. It's this weird adrenaline mix of fear, giddiness and comforting validation. You'll want it over and over and over again, like an addiction to the best drug you ever had. Better yet, I'll get to share this one with three other talents.
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| Like the wind |
| 05.18.04 (7:39 pm) [edit] |
If you're a fan of cinematographer Chris Doyle, this transcribed [url=http://www.filmfestival.gr/20...]interview[/url] is a must read.
Hysterical, inspiring and charmingly incoherent - he's a true mad genius at work.
If I have a vagina and I'm in Cannes, I'll be dripping wet on the red carpet for [url=http://www.festival-cannes.fr...]this[/url].
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| 2003 |
| 05.17.04 (2:57 pm) [edit] |
[url=http://www.dallasvoice.com/ar...]It[/url] all started a couple of weeks ago when I received an inquiry from the Lifestyles editor of Dallas Voice, asking me if I wanted to participate in their 20th anniversary edition. They're featuring folks from all walks of life to share their thoughts and experiences. Initially, I thought it was gonna be a sound-byte column, and they'll just be quoting my sassy remark from a gaysian perspective.
I had to answer a list of questions and was instructed to bring an object that represented my profession to the photo shoot. I opted for a 35mm print of [url=http://www.crossroadsmovie.co...]this[/url] trailer ([url=http://www.road-dog-productio...]thanks![/url]) and dragged [url=http://www.livejournal.com/~boyracerdavid]David[/url ] along to calm my nerves. I was nervous as shit, having to pose and strut for the camera. This led to a profound awareness of how difficult it really is to be a model and why I'm meant to stay behind-the-scenes. In short, I feel [url=http://www.underglobe.com/nit...]ya[/url].
Last Friday night, I was at David's place and the paper was sitting on his coffee table. I flipped through it, then...
"Gawd! It's HUGE!"
Not only was I on an entire page, but I was representing 2003. There were twenty participants in total, including Chris Jagger from The Edge, Mike Piazza from Cathedral of Hope and Chris Steele from "Sex Pack 4: Porn Noir."
"Shut up, you know you love it!" David snapped back.
[i]Do I?[/i]
I'm very conflicted about these things. My introvert self is revolted by the media exposure, but my realist side is reminded that this is all crucial if I want to continue to make films. There's a reason why artists have publicists or managers, otherwise they'll never be "known." It sounds terribly self-indulgent, but that is the reality of the biz. I'm still figuring it out, and I have a feeling I'll never understand why it has to work the way it does.
Saturday night was David's birthday get-together at The Magnolia Bar, followed by a private midnight [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0...]screening[/url]. I had a good time overall, which began with an interesting introduction to a newbie from Austin.
"I joined [url=http://dallas.logcabin.org]this[/url] organization and I met a lot of nice people," he beamed.
"Which one?"
"It's political."
"[url=http://stonewalldemocrat s.org...]Stonewall[/url]?"
"No...I don't want to get into it."
[i]Holy shit.[/i]
"You're a BUSH LOVER?!" I shreaked.
"Let's not talk about it."
Surprisingly, we managed to have a cordial conversation after the shocking relevation, with the unspoken understanding that we weren't gonna get into political details. Still, a part of me was shunning him, and I consciously knew I was doing that when I excused myself to the restroom and never returned to continue our discussion about the job market.
Guillermo asked me later on if I've met the [i]Republicans,[/i] in a tone of voice that eerily resembled conservatives asking their friends if they've met the [i]homos.[/i]
"Yeah. And they're younger than we are. How 'bout that?"
"Self-haters," he muttered.
I then ran into a person who claimed that we've met before.
"I don't remember," I casually responded, then wondering if that sounded like a snub, since my picture's on the paper this week and I may have subconsciously acted out my prima donna instincts.
"Yeah, we met quite a while back."
I asked him the usual line of get-to-knows: [i]how long have you known David? Did you go to the same school? What do you do?[/i]
(Note to myself: when the economy's shitty, one should never ask a stranger what he or she does. It's like asking the blind to recommend a good film. Speaking of, [url=http://www.meangirls.com]this[/url] is definitely worth seeing.)
[i]"Nothing."[/i]
"What do you mean?" I asked. Or rather, I unintentionally pushed the knife further into his wounded self-esteem.
"I'm [i]unemployed.[/i]"
Fuck. I'm an asshole. I just made him feel worthless. I shall rephrase the question to redeem myself: "What would you like to do then?"
"I don't know, something fun I suppose."
"Like?"
"Work for Entertainment Tonight or something. That would be fun."
Then it hit me. I [i]have[/i] met him before. It was last year at David's birthday function too, and we had a strikingly similar conversation.
"That's cool. You should do it then. Move out to L.A. and be a P.A." I encouraged, when in fact, I was simply rehashing the same words expressed 365 days ago.
"Uhm, I don't know. I'm so lazy..." he whined.
Jerry, who was sitting on my other side then, tapped my knee and hinted that he was leaving.
"Okay. I'll see you later."
"Who was that?" asked Mr. E.T. as Jerry walked past him.
"He's my partner."
"What do you mean, partner?" It was his turn to twist the knife. He knew what I meant but he wanted the clarification anyway.
"You know, partner - boyfriend, lover..."
"Oh."
For a split second, I read in his face that these questions were about to be asked:
[i]Partner? Are you kidding me?![/i]
[i]Why is he older than you?[/i]
[i]Is he your sugar daddy?[/i]
Brenda came over to greet me.
"How are you, [i]pumpkin?[/i]"
I was relief that I didn't have to make another excuse to relieve myself.
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| Champagne |
| 05.12.04 (6:53 pm) [edit] |
Went to a sneak peek of [url=http://www.cafeclope.com/]"Coffee & Cigarettes"[/url] last night. The last segment between Taylor Mead and Bill Rice was one of the most heartbreakingly sentimental vignettes I've ever seen. A ten-minute work recess for two elderly men who've seen better days, drinking muddy coffee in paper cups and imagining Mahler echoing in the air. It was as if time has stopped for them, even though seconds were still ticking furiously, as they grasped each moment that they have, remembering what happened before, then cruelly reminded of what's happening now.
[i]"Say it ain't true."[/i]
This alone was worth sitting through some of the least effective pieces, although Cate Blanchette seemed like she had a ball pulling her double-act, and Steve Coogan was delicously slimey as a self-serving celebrity. All in all, not for anyone, but I think there's something in there for everyone. So get your [url=http://www2.troy.jp/]"Troy"-ass[/url] out from the cineplex and serve yourself a cup full of Jarmuschism.
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